The testimony glove

So my oldest comes home this past week from achievement days, wearing a single white glove. After the inevitable Michael Jackson flashback moment, i saw that each of the five fingers [insert pointless argument over whether the thumb counts as a finger here] had a small picture pasted onto it: Jesus (the Del Parson version), the Salt Lake temple, a rendition of the first vision, Thomas S. Monson, and Joseph Smith.

This seemed odd to me, so i asked what it was. The answer? It’s a “testimony glove”.

Yes, folks, we’re now coming up with cheat sheets for things that are supposed to come from the heart. Go figure.

To be honest, it wouldn’t bother me except for the reasoning behind it: that these five things are

The Essential Parts of a Testimony

Some go even further—for example, saying that

teach[ing] children to express thanks for parents, brothers and sisters, for teachers and for home, is commendable, but it is not a testimony unless it is expressed within the five essential elements.

In fact, while poking around i even found what looks suspiciously to me like a testimony glove-driven script:

A Pure Testimony Is…

1. I know that God is our Father in Heaven and He loves us.
2. I know that Jesus Christ is His Son, our Savior and Redeemer.
3. I know Joseph Smith is a prophet of God, and he was the instrument through which the gospel of Jesus Christ was restored to the earth. He translated the Book of Mormon by the gift and power of God.
4. I know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the Lord’s church on the earth today.
5. I know this Church is led by a living prophet who receives revelation.

Yeah, that’s just what we need—make testimony meetings even less interesting, with everybody getting up and saying the exact same stuff.

Funny, but here i always thought the angel was pretty straightforward in telling John that

the testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy.

Apparently, though, that’s just all nineteen hundred years ago—we’ve moved beyond that point now.

Makes me want to pray for us to be saved from cutesiness, you know?

Political humor (plus a scorecard)

Something i ran across yesterday on one of the Washington Post’s politics chats with only slight Mormon content, but still worthwhile (presented here slightly altered from the original):

There has to be a joke: A white grandma, a Mormon, a Jew, and a cool black daddy walk into a bar…

Like the person who offered this said, whatever you might think about it, and whether it’s the result you wanted or not, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Rahm Emanuel, and Barack Obama are a most interesting change from your standard US government of the last few…well, centuries.

And, while on the subject, i still find it more than amusing that the most powerful Mormon in the US legislature is a Democrat. And for those keeping score, the US Congress is about to go (counting American Samoa’s territorial representative) from 16 Mormons (75.0% Republican) to 14 (71.4% Republican), but that’s still a higher rate of representation than our share of the US population would predict, so i figure we’ll take it.

Saturdays

Well, it took me longer than expected to dig out from under everything that piled up during my business trip, but i’m now properly back—and so, in honor of all the housework my family did earlier today, i offer a reworked version of a well-known Primary song:*

Saturday is a special day,
It’s the day we get ready for Sunday.
We brush our teeth and we comb our hair
So we won’t have to do it ’til Monday!

Thank, i’ll be here all week. Remember to tip your server.

* With credit given to Janelle Simmons, who i first learned this version from.

My latest pet peeve

I cycle through pet peeves, but my newest is a revival of an old one. It’s the frequently-offered—often over the pulpit!—advice that

If something bothers you enough to ask whether you should do it, then you shouldn’t do it.

If people keep offering this particular bit of stupid, stupid advice, i might just have to start asking myself whether i ought to go to church the next Sunday—i mean, according to their own logic…

Administrivia, by way of coda: I’ll be traveling (for professional reasons) next week, so the odds of getting new snark up on the blog are fairly small. Don’t worry—more will be on the way after next weekend.

Scaaaaaaaaary!

So i just got back from my ward’s Halloween party. Since i went there shortly after voting* (we’re amidst early voting here in Florida) i went dressed as myself so that I could tell people i was the scariest of all possible things at a Mormon Halloween party: A Democratic voter.

*For the record, i have never voted a straight party ticket in my life. Ever. And i hope to never have the need to do so.

Quick hit

And I bear witness that…A bear witness is an ursine missionary, right?

Making up words

What’s up with people in sacrament meetings saying that we should (like Jesus) be shepherds of the flock, and not merely sheepherders? I’ve heard this multiple times now, and it’s starting to bug me.

You know what the difference really is between a shepherd and a sheepherder? One herds sheep, and the other is called by a word that 20th-century Xians made up to try to bring tortured non-existent distinctions into discussions of scriptural texts.

Yes, in my day job i’m a linguist. Not only does this sort of thing bug me at a personal level, it’s also a professional thing.

Another sacrament question

So it’s received wisdom that the sacrament is a weekly renewal of the baptismal covenant. But where in the world did this idea come from? I mean, the sacramental covenants (as given in the prayers themselves) and the baptismal covenant (at least the hint of it that we get in Mosiah ch. 8—it’s always vaguely annoyed me that the actual content of the baptismal covenant is never laid out at all directly) are pretty similar, but why can’t they be separate? Seems to be it cheapens both of them to pretend that they’re the same thing.

Apologies, and the sacrament

First of all, administrivia by way of apology: Sorry about the lack of posts lately. Having to work ten or twelve hours a day to meet deadlines and getting nastily sick at the same time—well, let’s just say Real Life™ can be most unfun at times.

But enough of that—let’s get to today’s topic: The sacrament.

Why in the world do we call it the sacrament? Nearly other religion that uses the word sacrament, they mean what we mean when we say ordinance. In some other languages—i can vouch for German, at least, where Abendmahl is used for the eucharistic ordinance, in common with loads of other churches—we’ve avoided this confusing usage, so why do we feel the need to retain it in English? Seems bizarre for a missionary-oriented church.

Of course, the Community of Christ—the former Reorganized Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints—calls theirs the Lord’s supper, in common with a lot of other Xian churches. Maybe it’s an easy way to prove we’re not like them (whether them is the Community of Christ or mainstream Xianity in general)?

Fast Sunday prohibitions

Some years ago, I was part of an argument on a USENET* discussion forum about Fast Sundays. The main point of contention was whether it was permissible to have sex on fast Sundays (assuming that everything else was in order—you know, married couple and all that).

It was a frustrating** discussion, since there were actually decent points made by both sides—you’re supposed to deny the body on fast Sundays, but it’s a day to do good and build relationships with others (including, presumably, your spouse)—but i felt like both sides really ignored the obvious most basic solution to any of the can-i-or-can’t-i discussions Mormons are so fond of: The only one who can tell you for sure is God, through the ministration of the Holy Spirit.

Of course, both sides claimed to have spiritual backing for their positions.** But this brings up something that Mormons are culturally very bad about—we’re a religion based on the idea that everyone is entitled (entitled!) to revelation from God, but we seem to be unable to deal with the possibility that God may inspire somebody else to do something different than what we ourselves are inspired to do. I mean, why do we have this idea that if God has told me to do something a particular way, then God will automatically tell you to do the exact same thing? Where in the world does that come from? You mean that God doesn’t know each of us well enough to be able to lead each of us down that particular path that will help each of us individually?

(Of course, there’s also the fact that we Mormons seem to be really bad as a culture with the possibility that maybe God doesn’t actually, you know, care whether we do things like have sex on fast Sundays or not—but that’s grist for some future post.)

*Y’all don’t know what USENET is? Kids these days! Well, it was like a BBS system that…What’s a BBS system? What? Stop asking these stupid questions! Go learn about your roots! And get the h*** off my lawn!
**No puns intended.
***No, not a dirty word—I meant “get the h”. You thought otherwise? Get your minds out of the gutter!

General Conference review

So looking back on General Conference, i have to say that there were a number of moments that were worth keeping stored in my brain (chief among them for me: David A. Bednar giving the most complete and yet most succinct definition of the mysteries of God that i’ve ever heard), but there was really only one thing that sums up the memory of watching the entire ten hours of general sessions:

Dang, but we’re a buncha white folks!

I mean, there weren’t even enough visible minorities* in the choir for the camera people to perform their gratuitous zoom-in-on-the-one-person-of-color-in-the-crowd shots we’d all gotten so used to in previous conferences.**

*Many thanks to Statistics Canada for providing me with a most useful, though not uncontroversial, term.
**Not that i lament its passing. I mean, it got to be almost embarrassing, the way it looked like a desperate attempt to say “No, really—we are diverse! See?”

General Conference rumors

Every year, of course, as General Conference approaches there are rumors flying around about what major policy changes or new doctrine will be unveiled. I’ve been out of the Conference rumor loop somewhat since we moved to Florida, but I was glad to come across a document with the expected changes commencing tomorrow:

Priesthood Session:

• Report on the Adam-Ondi-Ahman conference held this summer.
• Request for members to immediately begin living off their food storage until told otherwise. Any food purchased within the past three weeks should be discarded.

Welfare Session:

• Plan to merge U.S. Health and Human Services department with Church Welfare System formally announced. The resulting Department of Self-Sufficiency will be headed by an Area Presidency, which will have a seat on the President’s cabinet. Vacant urban areas will be converted into canneries and welfare farms. This is a pilot project expected to be rolled out world-wide within 2 to 5 years.

General Session (Morning):

• Announcement of the Compact Meeting Schedule, shifting the requirement for Sunday School from the ward to the home. The two-hour block will consist of Sacrament Meeting, followed by a 50 minute Relief Society, Melchizedech Priesthood, Young Women’s, Aaronic Priesthood/​Young Men’s, Primary and a Nursery. Those currently working in Nursery callings will be given time to rise to their feet for a shout of Hosanna! at the completion of the announcement (please wait for the signal).

General Session (Afternoon):

• A description of the new three year cycle of manuals for Relief Society and Priesthood lessons will be given. These new manuals will be the last ones printed by the church, and will not be re-used once the cycle is complete. Members will be encouraged to contemplate the inner meaning of this announcement.

So that’s all I have heard. Nothing very exciting or unusual.

(With grateful attribution given to a friend of mine, Craig Olson, who’s way better at this sort of thing than i am.)

A breathtaking idea

Given all the people who go all out of breath/creaky in testimony meetings, maybe the church should do like the National Football League and install oxygen masks on the sidelines.

Are Mormons evil?

Lots of people think Mormons are somehow inherently evil—and Mormons, for their part, have been running from such claims since before the church was even organized in 1830. However, it’s time to come clean on this—and so here, finally, is the truth about Mormons in the United States, in convenient field guide format:

• Utah Mormons are evil and know it, but cover it up frantically.
• California Mormons are evil but don’t know it.
• Mormons in the rest of the US West are evil and know it, and would cover it up if only they knew how.
• Mormons in the Midwest are evil and know it, and are constantly ashamed about it.
• Mormons in the deep South are evil and know it mainly ’cause everyone else tells them they are, but they cover it up to the extent that they can to keep the neighbors quiet.
• Mormons in the East are evil and know it and glory in it!

Hope this helps.

Yes, i’m an easterner. Why do you ask?

Pointless Sundays

Later today in my ward we have what is either my least or second-least favorite day on the Mormon liturgical calendar: the Primary program.

I mean, what is the actual point of this annual exercise? From what i understand, Mormons are commanded to ”meet together oft” (that’s a scriptural text, making Mormons one of the very few religious groups required to attend church meetings by canon) so that we can instruct one another in the mysteries of God. Well, unless one of the mysteries of God is that small children mumble (or, occasionally, shout painfully loudly) when they deliver lines that grown-ups have written for them, then the Primary program isn’t really serving any discernible religious purpose I can see.

(And no, before anybody says it, it is not cute to watch my own or anybody else’s children mumble incoherently in front of a sacrament meeting crowd. If you think it is, then sorry, but you need a good taste transplant.)

Lesson manuals

My youngest sister recently wrote on her blog that she has now finished reading the Teachings of the Presidents of the Church manuals. I thought i might as well reproduce my reply to her post here (edited slightly for context), since it seems to fit the general spirit of this blog, even though it’s a bit serious:

The Joseph Smith manual has been my wife’s and my least favorite of the series. We’re not entirely sure why (though it certainly seems that the editors seem to have chosen blander quotes than they needed to, maybe because of the cultural importance Mormons attach to anything Joseph Smith ever said). I think most of our botheredness about it, though, is the editorial insistence to try to shoehorn all the quotes into a chronological “life history of Joseph Smith” framework (even though the quotes aren’t chronological), rather than doing the pure topic-by-topic approach that has worked so well with the others. Maybe church history lessons should be left to church history classes, you know?

I wouldn’t mind seeing the Brigham Young manual redone with the pedagogical lessons learned since then (most particularly, that there’s no reason to be afraid of extended quotes—sometimes it felt like there was no single quote of more than two sentences in the entire Brigham Young manual).

And my favorite in the series so far? The Heber J. Grant manual, which surprised me.

Washing cars

From the i’ve-heard-it-too-many-times-in-church-meetings file: I really don’t like the “nobody washes a rental car”/​“nobody paints a rented house” claim. After all, everybody who rents a car washes it, and everybody who rents a house paints it—the rental charge includes payment for those things. Actually, given the way some non-rented cars and houses I’ve seen lately look, a lot of renters are doing a better job at upkeep (or at least paying for the upkeep that gets done) than owners are.

The sound of silence

Today was testimony meeting, and we had a lot of silences—nothing in the minutes-long range, but several of those pauses that run just noticeable enough to make people in the congregation nervous.

Why do those silences make us nervous? I mean, is it really so wrong for us to enjoy hanging out in silent communion with the Spirit? Or are we afraid that if someone’s not up there talking we might actually start having to think through stuff for ourselves?

I’m thinking that most Mormons would simply explode if they went along with a friend to a Quaker “unprogrammed” (i.e., silent worship) service.

Reverence begins with…

You’ve heard it, too: “Reverence begins with me.”

No, it doesn’t—reverence begins with re. No wonder the kids can’t read these days!

Not an American church, eh?

So i found out that the good folks over at Worldmapper (an absolute nirvana for a demographics geek like me) have come up with a map of the world’s distribution of Mormons. The map follows, but you should look at the page it’s from to get all the background and such:


I plan to point to this map anytime somebody tries to say that we’re not an American church—really, we’re not that strong outside the Americas (with the minor exception of the Philippines), and the sooner we admit it, the sooner we can get to improving our preaching elsewhere.