General Conference rumors

Every year, of course, as General Conference approaches there are rumors flying around about what major policy changes or new doctrine will be unveiled. I’ve been out of the Conference rumor loop somewhat since we moved to Florida, but I was glad to come across a document with the expected changes commencing tomorrow:

Priesthood Session:

• Report on the Adam-Ondi-Ahman conference held this summer.
• Request for members to immediately begin living off their food storage until told otherwise. Any food purchased within the past three weeks should be discarded.

Welfare Session:

• Plan to merge U.S. Health and Human Services department with Church Welfare System formally announced. The resulting Department of Self-Sufficiency will be headed by an Area Presidency, which will have a seat on the President’s cabinet. Vacant urban areas will be converted into canneries and welfare farms. This is a pilot project expected to be rolled out world-wide within 2 to 5 years.

General Session (Morning):

• Announcement of the Compact Meeting Schedule, shifting the requirement for Sunday School from the ward to the home. The two-hour block will consist of Sacrament Meeting, followed by a 50 minute Relief Society, Melchizedech Priesthood, Young Women’s, Aaronic Priesthood/​Young Men’s, Primary and a Nursery. Those currently working in Nursery callings will be given time to rise to their feet for a shout of Hosanna! at the completion of the announcement (please wait for the signal).

General Session (Afternoon):

• A description of the new three year cycle of manuals for Relief Society and Priesthood lessons will be given. These new manuals will be the last ones printed by the church, and will not be re-used once the cycle is complete. Members will be encouraged to contemplate the inner meaning of this announcement.

So that’s all I have heard. Nothing very exciting or unusual.

(With grateful attribution given to a friend of mine, Craig Olson, who’s way better at this sort of thing than i am.)